A voice from immediately behind me asked in a perfect London accent, “Pardon me. Do you know what this is? What does it mean?”
Over my shoulder I responded, “Hell if I know. Whatever it is… its ridiculous.”
Here in the middle of the Gammeltorv market square a large office trailer was parked. The trailer was covered in a metallic gold foil, and across the front of it facing the Federiksberggade was the proclamation: Brad Pitt is Saving Planet Earth in Copenhagen. Fluorescent lights glowed from the inside.
“Yes it’s awful. Do you think this thing really belongs to Brad Pitt?”
“I’m afraid so,” I said.
I turned to confront this inquisitive person behind me. She wore a long black wool coat, out from which protruded well-worn black boots. Black and purple scarf, and on her head a red and green Nordic ski hat. The hat would have looked funny on most people, but on her it worked perfectly. She had a brown leather messenger bag over her shoulder, and she was carrying a gift package. I thought she looked rather smart.
Like me she was here in town for the conference, and on this particular evening she was on her way to a reception at the d’Angleterre. I was headed in the same direction, but beyond, to the port, where I hoped to shoot some photos of a large vessel called the Viking Lady. We walked together as far as her engagement and had a nice visit. She was from the Middle East, schooled in the UK and now living in Paris. Her business was finance, but she worked for a private foundation. She could do a wicked good Sarkozy imitation, as in Sarkozy the climate negotiator. She could also do Gordon Brown and others, but the Sarkozy thing was my favorite. On the steps of the Angleterre we said our goodbyes and I went off to find the Viking Lady, stopping off briefly at the Admiral Hotel for a vodka. It was cold as hell, especially down by the harbor where the arctic winds whipped into Copenhagen from Sweden and the Baltic. I found the ship and took a few photos, then quickly headed off to Nyhavn to meet friends for dinner. I told them about the funny girl I met.
Now here’s the thing. A couple days later I was over at the Bella Center for meetings. Security had been increased and there were horrendous lines waiting to get in. Anticipating this I wore thick wool hunting socks and boots, carrying my dress shoes in my satchel. Because I got into the center late I stayed late. By the time I left the building in late afternoon it was snowing and the temperature had dropped further. After passing through the barricades I made my way past the metro and decided to keep walking to the train station at Orestad. But it wasn’t until I reached Vejlands Allé that I realized I had mistakenly been walking in the opposite direction from the train station, for at least twenty minutes. Believe me, that’s a long time in this weather. The snow was now coming down in large flakes and accumulating heavily on the sidewalk. Visibility was difficult. Pissed at myself for the error, I turned around and began the walk back.
Moments later I passed a figure that I almost immediately recognized. “A___, is that you!?” Yes it was, and we ascertained she had made the same wrong turn as me. It was her red and green hat that tipped me off. How amazing we would meet again, and here on this mistaken street corner of all places. Now we would both have to pay the price of misdirection, and begin the long cold walk to the train station. (haha. actually I have to admit I was quite thrilled with this double twist of fate.) We talked for a bit about our days and plans, etc., but soon we could only talk about how cold we were, and why on earth the UN would do this stupid conference here in December, what with this oppressive Scandinavian cold and darkness.
We walked arm-in-arm and kicked our boots through the snow. The big flakes piled up on our hats and stuck to our wool coats. She asked me if I knew any Christmas carols and if I would sing one. She insisted she knew not a single one so it would be up to me. I went with We Three Kings because I know most of the words to that one.
O Star of wonder, star of night
Star with royal beauty bright
Westward leading, still proceeding
Guide us to Thy perfect light
It turned out to be a good marching song and I sang every verse I could remember and then sang them over again.
Myrrh is mine, its bitter perfume
Breathes of life of gathering gloom
Sorrowing, sighing, bleeding, dying
Sealed in the stone-cold tomb
It doesn’t get any more Christmassy than that! I was warming up from the walk but she was still cold so I held her closer against me as we trudged ever onward toward the train station.
Oh oooooooooh!
Star of wonder, star of night
Star with royal beauty bright
Westward leading, still proceeding
Guide us to Thy perfect light
And so on. It was dark now. After crossing a wide open area that was particularly windy we were in front of a big store. Her feet were cold so we decided to go inside and get warm before completing the rest of the snowy walk to the train station. Inside the door we shook the snow from our coats, unwrapped scarves and removed our hats and gloves. We sat down on a bench.
“My feet are absolutely frozen”, she said.
“Can you move your toes?”
“No.”
“No? Take off your boots then.”
“Here? People will think I’m crazy.”
“Sure, go ahead, who cares.”
She tugged off her boots.
“You call those socks? Those aren’t doing you any good.” I got down and took her feet in my hands. “Your socks are wet. Take them off and we’ll get you some wool socks.”
She peeled off the useless thin socks and I held her feet again in my hands. They were ice cold. We wrapped her feet inside her coat and I went off on the quest for wool.
Soon I returned victorious with a pair of thick red wool socks. She tugged them on. “I’ll pay you for these. How much were they?” A hundred Kroners I said. Each. We sat and chatted and she picked what was left of the melting ice from my hat. I had a flask with some Calvados in it. We each took a hit. She grimaced. I thought it was pretty good and took another.
Once sufficiently warmed we made the final trudge on to the train station. The snow continued to fall. Evening commuters funneled into the station as we arrived and we flowed with the crowd through the doors and down the stairway onto the platform.
Her train arrived before mine. We hugged and I gave her a lift up into the door. She brushed the snow off my hat and shoulders.
“Don’t wash those red socks with your other laundry”, I said. “They’ll turn everything pink”.
She smiled. “Yes. OK.”
We exchanged brief pleasantries until the conductor blew his whistle. I waved goodbye and the conductor pulled the door shut. As the train pulled away she smiled out the window and gave a wave back.
I watched the train leave the station. She never paid me for the socks.

32 comments
Comments feed for this article
December 31, 2009 at 2:06 am
JR
Dude. (JR here)
You hooked me on the first two words
You are good, Baby.
Too Good
Unbelieveable, that shit you write
December 31, 2009 at 2:42 am
JR
Dude. Katya’s Father might like this.
Nice. First Rate
December 31, 2009 at 2:53 am
JR
Dude.
dude.
Dude.
RU Fucking kidding me?
I’m only halfway through.
I’m only considering showing this to Katya.
Nice
December 31, 2009 at 3:01 am
JR
Nice.
Nice.
Nice
I’m showing this to her
After I show her I’m gonna tell her you’re my best friend
After that, she’s gonna wanna fuck you
That’s normal
Do what you want
I’ll provide help if you need it
She’s out of control
…
Rico, over and out
December 31, 2009 at 3:19 am
Bunn Bunn
“We walked arm-in-arm and kicked our boots through the snow. The big flakes piled up on our hats and stuck to our wool coats. She asked me if I knew any Christmas carols and if I would sing one.”
Magnificent! Thank you, thank you. This is the kind of Copenhagen story that I knew you really wanted to tell.
December 31, 2009 at 3:43 am
Jjrzulukilo
Move out. Left Flank
December 31, 2009 at 3:47 am
Jjrzulukilo
No. Actually my favorite Copenhagen story is when Gianna Blew me for two hours. Have you seen the tits on this girl?
Don’t ever fuck with me
December 31, 2009 at 3:55 am
Jjrzulukilo
Bunn- I’m gonna write this shit to Katya . She’s gonna think I’m Shakespeare.
It’s gonna feel sooooo good. Sooooooo good
December 31, 2009 at 8:31 am
dave
not sure why, but it reminds me of the time i picked up a hooker in a bus station in newport beach, ca, i think, circa 1973, something like that.
December 31, 2009 at 8:32 am
dave
hey jjrzulukilo, are you one of exum’s minions? just curious.
December 31, 2009 at 3:41 pm
Wo Fat
“…and I held her feet again in my hands.”
Beautiful. Wo Fat not know what to say. really like this story.
January 1, 2010 at 8:47 am
dave
yeah, why not africa? logistically much easier than central asia. maybe just give it some time.
billy: uncle dave, why are there wars? dave: well jonny, usually some has something others want and they won’t give it up. billy: why not buy it from them? dave: petey, do you really think that someone else wants your worthless fucking bank notes, dirivatives, bonds and iou’s? billy: i guess you’re right uncle dave. dave: of course i am eddy. now go get me a beer. is your sister 16 yet?
http://maps.google.com/maps?hl=en&tab=wl
January 1, 2010 at 9:25 am
dave
billy: uncle dave, who are the janjaweed? dave: they’re terrorists in reserve bobby. billy: oh. dave: no problemo jose.
January 1, 2010 at 9:26 am
dave
http://www.energytribune.com/articles.cfm?aid=2694
January 1, 2010 at 11:24 am
Saint Bif
Bunn, JR, Wo, thanks, glad you liked it!
If there is a lesson here it is the miracle of wool. Everything else is coincidental.
BTW, I don’t make this shit up:
http://zulukilo.wordpress.com/files/2010/01/2431bp.jpg
January 1, 2010 at 3:20 pm
dave
with some wool undies and insulated overalls i can take as many drugs as i want and pass out in the nearest available snow bank and experience no ill effects.
January 1, 2010 at 6:08 pm
MOU
After the opening, bits of the story dragged because you were doing a lot of “telling us” and very little showing. Some of that material could be cut, considerably, it did not add much to the story. When you are with A____, the story was great, I liked it a lot.
Knowing you are married puts a nice sharp edge on it. For the sake of the “story” I might have you hanging up on your wife, just as you are hearing the perfect London accent. Or maybe finishing up with “bye-bye sweetie” could be kids, could be wife, we don’t know.
Good story.
January 2, 2010 at 10:21 pm
Saint Bif
“with some wool undies and insulated overalls i can … pass out in the nearest available snow bank and experience no ill effects.”
Yeah otherwise how embarrassing if they found you spread eagle and frozen solid as a rock. They’d have to roll you in cartwheels to the ambulance and then strap you to the roof. Then they’d prop you up in a corner at the morgue to thaw out and the workers would laugh and say that snow angel Dave should’ve worn his wool underwear.
January 3, 2010 at 7:16 am
Saint Bif
MOU thanks.
I know it drags, but reconstructing mundane chronologies makes me happy. The highlight of my week really was another evening when I got lost (again) and cold (again) and ended up seeking refuge in a hotel lobby. Except when I walked inside it wasn’t a hotel but a private club, or something, not a church, and there was a function going on and a man speaking at a podium (in Danish) surrounded by about a hundred listeners. A woman comes up and asks if I am invited and I say no, and she tells me I must leave. I told her I was really cold and could I please just stay for a minute. She looks at me and after a long pause she says OK but I have to go stand by the coat check room. So I obediently go do this, and after a while she comes over and gives me a cup of hot coffee in a paper cup, and it was really good coffee, and it burned my mouth but I didn’t care. I finished the coffee and feeling much better I go to leave and as I’m going out the door I see her across the room in the crowd and I nod a ‘thank you’ and she smiles and nods back.
January 3, 2010 at 9:03 am
MOU
Being able to write for yourself is a wonderful thing. Writing on blogs may be the closest thing I do that is like that anymore.
In this iteration of my job right now, I am an editor. I am not a copy editor (I have one who works for me, I’d be dead in the water without her) though I can do a little. I edit content, motivate people to push themselves in their writing, conceptually.
You will forgive me, I don’t seem to be able to shut it off. I do think your story is sweet and like the addition you added above. Perhaps the other rewrite would be to have you expand all the goodies you told us about at the beginning. Engage the senses. You did it in the above some. So cold you are willing to crash something you know is private (you pushy American you! :-) ) you just don’t care. So hot it burns and you just don’t care because it is so cold. Her cold rejection, her warm common decency. Her alienness, her humanness. You put us there, imagining it, contrasting the senses.
So now I’m an art critic, dude!!!
January 3, 2010 at 7:38 pm
Bunn Bunn
What can I say? I’m a huge fan of Bif’s talent for describing things. And he does it in a distinct style that’s deftly synchronized with his own diverse and engaging sensibilities. (Now if he could only figure out how to consistently use “its” and “it’s” correctly! Ehhh… that’s what copy editors are for.)
MOU, I’d like to hear your thoughts on whether you agree with Bif about JR and Katya being the new John and Yoko. I mean JR is all about just giving peace a chance these days. Bif could be onto something. I’m off to consult with Ringo on the matter… Adieu.
January 3, 2010 at 11:40 pm
Saint Bif
Very nice. Thanks. You are the best MOU.
So what do you think of Bunn’s question?
January 4, 2010 at 8:05 am
MOU
John and Yoko’s situation didn’t end well. Don’t know if I’d want to lay that comparison on a new couple.
January 4, 2010 at 8:09 am
MOU
Now dave, he and his partner, they might be John and Yoko. Holding court with the press from bed? Doing drugs together. Getting in touch with an altered consciousness. You know that is sooooo dave.
January 4, 2010 at 8:10 am
MOU
Okay, maybe Bonnie and Clyde.
January 4, 2010 at 8:18 am
MOU
Lev and Sofya Tolstoy?
Okay, kinda turbulent there too.
January 4, 2010 at 8:20 am
MOU
Okay, I have settled this thing,
Are you ready for it?
JR and Katya = Adam and Eve
January 4, 2010 at 4:31 pm
Saint Bif
Yeah but nothing ultimately ends well. So no problem there!
January 4, 2010 at 9:57 pm
EEofDC
“I know it drags, but reconstructing mundane chronologies makes me happy.”
Hm-m-mmmm… I didn’t think it dragged a bit.
At the end, I laughed out loud and thought back to one of my favorite SNL short skits from the earliest years of the show.
The scene portrayed this couple out on a restaurant date at the end of the meal, and the young female was repeatedly asking the young guy what he was thinking about (with everyone’s complicit understanding being that he was supposed to answer “you” or “our relationship”). This went on for several minutes with her questioning getting more insistent until he finally came up with the correct answer with the audience saying “aw-w-w-w…”
Then, he perked up and asked her what she was thinking about, and, with no hesitation, she exclaimed, “warthogs!’ at which point a clip of some warthogs running around the savannah flashed onto a screen overhead as the audience (and I) laughed our asses off.
January 5, 2010 at 8:29 am
dave
just a magical moment from my life: so after taking 200mg viagra and 60 mg dexadrine, standard doseage, i getting ready to fuck jhoon’s asshole. of course, by this time my eyes are dilated, my pulse is at about 120 and my penis is as fully engorged as my normally flacid member ever gets. i have my glans pressed pressed firmly against her anal sphincter, she turns to me and says: damn, i can feel your pulse in your penis. i said: yeah, wow, i can feel your pulse from your anal sphincter. at that moment our hearts were beating as one. i just needed to share that with someone. thanks for being here for me. drugs are the answer.
January 5, 2010 at 9:31 am
EEofDC
“You know that is sooooo dave.”
Professor MOU-
Looks like you have again hit the nail on the head, so to speak. Keep up the good work!
January 6, 2010 at 1:33 am
MOU
daves stories are a bit different from Bif’s, eh? Imagine dave encountering the woman in Copenhagen, instead. Instead of wool socks, somewhere, there would have been exploding underpants. And I mean that in a good way…