American Gothic Caption Contest

Our beloved MIA ZK friend, thal, suggested to me that this might be fun. Whoever comes up with the best caption for this classic painting (first response excluded) wins a super special prize.

American Gothic by Grant Wood
American Gothic by Grant Wood

58 Replies to “American Gothic Caption Contest”

  1. Proletariat revolutionary zeal my ass. Jedediah, you can’t even spell “hamptons”, much less find it.

  2. Love in the Time of the Vampire Robots – starring Hunter S. Thompson and Jennifer Aniston.

    coming this summer from zulukilo productions – check your local listings for theatre times

  3. zulukilo productions is in talks with its distributors. The Thompson family doesn’t feel that we have lived up to our contract specifications when using Hunter’s body (technicalities in the cryogenesis clause) – no, his ashes were not shot out of a cannon. Liberal propaganda. He’s alive and well, but very cold.

    We weren’t able to screen at Sundance this year, but stay tuned.

  4. Holmes –

    what is the “AIC” in the bottom left hand corner? Is that a typo? Or did somebody intentionally black out the crossbar in the G?

  5. Blood on the Prairie: The rise and fall of religious pitchfork death cults in northcentral Iowa, 1929 -1937.

  6. My, this post has taken on a “pitchfork” mentality. Should we bother discussing the latest JHK post? (Yes, I read it, I relapsed).

    Bif will have to explain the history. I’m more familiar with the ghastly stuff that happened on the Mormons’ “long march” to the west in earlier years. Kansas and whatnot.

  7. “Quiet, Ethel. Don’t you know that the three prongs on my pitchfork represent The Holy Trinity?”

  8. Him: “Banker bonuses piss me off.”
    Her (to herself): “I haven’t even told him yet about the billions that went out the back door to Goldman Sachs, Deutsche Bank, Barclays, and Societe Generale. And wait till he gets it that those taxpayer payouts would have never happened if they had just gone bankrupt.”

  9. Farmer: “This season’s MVP will be Kobe.”

    Mystery Female: “I already bet the farm on LeBron.”

  10. I really insist we start calling her Jennifer Aniston. C’mon, are you telling me that doesn’t look exactly like her?

  11. Questioned by authorities regarding the sudden disappearance of local farmhand Jody Love, farmer Harold Sparks shrugged and reckoned that the young man must have simply moved on to greener pastures. Clara, the second oldest of Harold’s five wives, seemed rather despondent and was unable to provide any additional information. “She don’t talk much”, said Sparks.

  12. I like it, Bif, but we are starting to get into novel territory. I think Holmes specified captions. He might need to start granting exceptions.

  13. King Neptune and the Goddess Athena in retirement somewhere in Nebraska.

    Athena: “We wanted a small farm in the heartland, far from the maddening sounds of constantly pounding surf.”

    Neptune: “Besides, there were no moron fish left out there to entertain.”

  14. Holmes – it’s your post. Just kill the Aniston photo. I couldn’t get a good one where she looked serious, anyway.

  15. MOU – That’s Hugh Laurie.

    He’s not bald and he stars on “House.”

    I mean, I like the guy, he’s OK, but… I mean, really.

  16. Sparks shot a glance sideways toward his young wife, “We don’t know nuthin ’bout no Jody boy, do we pumpkin?”

    Clara’s eyes were locked upon the sharp tines of his pitchfork as she slowly shook her head from side to side. No, she had nothing she could share with the officers.

  17. Holmes, if we play this right, we can get Bif to write a whole novel in serialized-caption form. I’m putting them together this very second. I say we give him 90%. You take 4, I’ll take three, we’ll give the other 3 to whomever proves useful.

  18. Holmes, you are messing with me. Is this Hugh Laurie or Jennifer we are talking about?

    I’ve obviously invoked your wrath, I’m getting rid of that shit.

  19. Lori Petty and Hugh Laurie as the new American Gothic couple. It has a cool kind of symmetry. Bunn Bunn is going to kill us all and especially the panhandling squirrels and their leader Rocky if we don’t stop screwing around.

  20. Him: “Dear God, did I sign up to put my dick in her pussy for all of eternity?”
    Her, resignedly, “What the hell was I thinking?”

    Hmmm… maybe that doesn’t qualify as a caption. Please don’t misconstrue my potty mouth with any dissatisfaction with my personal life, however.

    How y’all doin’?

  21. She’s worse than Nudge. Recover.

    Watch those sectors than stand down.

    Alert Green from orange. Safe.

  22. Dude, you’re a kook but somehow I like ya anyway. Go protect your troops and give Holmes my love.

  23. Next time I’ll radio in, ‘kay?

    btw, my daughters now play hide and seek by ‘clearing’ a room; they’re 4 and 2 and are in training, apparently, for serious military and/or zombie action. you would love my husband.

  24. Your daughters are the next president and Sec State. You don’t know this yet. Teach them well. Before long they will rule this nation.

  25. Wow, this is pretty much unheard of… we’re never on at the same time. Go ahead and air your complaint/questions- I’m here for your amusement, or depending how drunk you are, to confound you with my wily womanly ways.

  26. Yeah, I’ll let Holmes field that. I’m here for you, your daughters, and your husband. In that order.

    You can get as drunk as you like. THIS IS ZUKUKILO.

    We will always protect you. You are persona grata. Once you get persona grata on Kilo, it is game over. You’ve won. Ask Bunn if you don’t believe me.

  27. “Dear God, did I sign up to put my dick in her pussy for all of eternity?”

    Well maybe one of you monkeys can top this, I can’t.

    BTW BB, I’m all pins and needles to hear what the super special prize is.


  28. I will mail to the winner (if he or she wants it) my still mint condition hardcover original edition copy of JHK’s “World Made By Hand”.

    If thal makes an appearance, he can decide who wins.

    If not, the matter will be submitted to ZK Star Chamber where a final and irrevocable decision will be rendered.

  29. not tonight jon, my hemeriods is flaring.
    do we have any of those latex gloves left? is your cousin darel in town? or did he get run off again?

  30. “Vern, you really have shit for brains. No one else dresses up like this to muck out the barn.”

  31. OK, not trying to compete for the caption prize at the moment, but I have a technical question for greenbeans regarding this famous painting. Who the Hell uses a pitchfork that small and thin? Is that some kinda artist license or something? Real pitchforks are about twice that width, four pronged and much heavier gauge metal shafts. I know because I own and use one. This one in the painting must be for Sunday worship, going to town or, err, for stickin Wall Street Investment bankers, certain Boston energy investment CEOs?

    And who painted this shit? Norman Fucking Rockwell?

    rant off.

  32. Doom, I have a fork similar to yours. Its sometimes called a manure fork. Typically they have heavier gauge tines and 4 or 5 (or more) of them.

    Its used for picking up loose litter, leaves, manure, etc. as in building a compost pile or for picking up loose bedding material on a barn floor.

    The one in the painting, by Grant Wood, is a true pitchfork, for pitching hay that is already clumped together or in piles, or for stickin’ wall street banker butt. I have one of these too. For these purposes 3 tines works well.

  33. I will mail to the winner (if he or she wants it) my still mint condition hardcover original edition copy of JHK’s “World Made By Hand”.

    Bunn –

    It has to be signed (by you).

    We all have a hardcover copy of this shit. It’s not in paperback yet.

    If it is signed (by you) it will be worth… say $500, maybe more within 10 years. Jus sayin. Based on whether or not people figure out who the Bunn is and his true motives.

    Nobody hear is gonna pay for that shit. But maybe we can farm this out. I’m gonna work with you. I haven’t been layed off, but I’m getting sick of what is available on the web and I’m bored again.

  34. “I know because I own and use one.”

    To do what. Pick your nose? Display for eBay photos?

    Have you ever tried bailing hay? I haven’t Thank god. It seems hard. I’d like a strong tool, but light. I’d also like a .22 to shoot myself in the head.

    Let’s ask the masses cutting sugar cane for our ethanol in Brazil.

  35. yes, i didn’t mention it but jon and marsha happen to be sheep farmers. sheep are totally into fisting. the mention of darel was an intentional distraction.

  36. no, but seriously, sheep love fisting and monster cock. they don’t call ’em rams for nothing ya know.

  37. Please comment on Mexican Gothic (part Deux). Sheep do love fisting and monster cock. I agree. But I can’t do nothing about it. Michelle will only see me on weekends, and she thinks one of the Secret Service dudes is spying on us.

  38. JR, I believe I have commented here before about my (thankfully) brief encounters with hay baling and storage. Key words are: hot, itchy, sweaty, humid, work, sore, cut, bleeding, horse flys, smell, sun, sunburn, tired.

    You do it because your uncle asked you to. He usually has an emergency situation, like a coming rain storm, and is working on a deadline, like sunset.

    I’d do it again if he asked me to. Thankfully, he’s dead now.

  39. Ya, it’s a trophy pitch fork. Thought it might come in handy after I read The Long Emergency and started commenting on CFN about The Short Emergency.

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