American Gothic Caption Contest

Our beloved MIA ZK friend, thal, suggested to me that this might be fun. Whoever comes up with the best caption for this classic painting (first response excluded) wins a super special prize.

American Gothic by Grant Wood
American Gothic by Grant Wood

31 Replies to “American Gothic Caption Contest”

  1. Proletariat revolutionary zeal my ass. Jedediah, you can’t even spell “hamptons”, much less find it.

  2. Blood on the Prairie: The rise and fall of religious pitchfork death cults in northcentral Iowa, 1929 -1937.

  3. “Quiet, Ethel. Don’t you know that the three prongs on my pitchfork represent The Holy Trinity?”

  4. Him: “Banker bonuses piss me off.”
    Her (to herself): “I haven’t even told him yet about the billions that went out the back door to Goldman Sachs, Deutsche Bank, Barclays, and Societe Generale. And wait till he gets it that those taxpayer payouts would have never happened if they had just gone bankrupt.”

  5. Farmer: “This season’s MVP will be Kobe.”

    Mystery Female: “I already bet the farm on LeBron.”

  6. Questioned by authorities regarding the sudden disappearance of local farmhand Jody Love, farmer Harold Sparks shrugged and reckoned that the young man must have simply moved on to greener pastures. Clara, the second oldest of Harold’s five wives, seemed rather despondent and was unable to provide any additional information. “She don’t talk much”, said Sparks.

  7. King Neptune and the Goddess Athena in retirement somewhere in Nebraska.

    Athena: “We wanted a small farm in the heartland, far from the maddening sounds of constantly pounding surf.”

    Neptune: “Besides, there were no moron fish left out there to entertain.”

  8. Sparks shot a glance sideways toward his young wife, “We don’t know nuthin ’bout no Jody boy, do we pumpkin?”

    Clara’s eyes were locked upon the sharp tines of his pitchfork as she slowly shook her head from side to side. No, she had nothing she could share with the officers.

  9. Lori Petty and Hugh Laurie as the new American Gothic couple. It has a cool kind of symmetry. Bunn Bunn is going to kill us all and especially the panhandling squirrels and their leader Rocky if we don’t stop screwing around.

  10. Him: “Dear God, did I sign up to put my dick in her pussy for all of eternity?”
    Her, resignedly, “What the hell was I thinking?”

    Hmmm… maybe that doesn’t qualify as a caption. Please don’t misconstrue my potty mouth with any dissatisfaction with my personal life, however.

    How y’all doin’?

  11. Dude, you’re a kook but somehow I like ya anyway. Go protect your troops and give Holmes my love.

  12. Next time I’ll radio in, ‘kay?

    btw, my daughters now play hide and seek by ‘clearing’ a room; they’re 4 and 2 and are in training, apparently, for serious military and/or zombie action. you would love my husband.

  13. Wow, this is pretty much unheard of… we’re never on at the same time. Go ahead and air your complaint/questions- I’m here for your amusement, or depending how drunk you are, to confound you with my wily womanly ways.

  14. “Dear God, did I sign up to put my dick in her pussy for all of eternity?”

    Well maybe one of you monkeys can top this, I can’t.

    BTW BB, I’m all pins and needles to hear what the super special prize is.

    Cross.

  15. I will mail to the winner (if he or she wants it) my still mint condition hardcover original edition copy of JHK’s “World Made By Hand”.

    If thal makes an appearance, he can decide who wins.

    If not, the matter will be submitted to ZK Star Chamber where a final and irrevocable decision will be rendered.

  16. not tonight jon, my hemeriods is flaring.
    do we have any of those latex gloves left? is your cousin darel in town? or did he get run off again?

  17. “Vern, you really have shit for brains. No one else dresses up like this to muck out the barn.”

  18. OK, not trying to compete for the caption prize at the moment, but I have a technical question for greenbeans regarding this famous painting. Who the Hell uses a pitchfork that small and thin? Is that some kinda artist license or something? Real pitchforks are about twice that width, four pronged and much heavier gauge metal shafts. I know because I own and use one. This one in the painting must be for Sunday worship, going to town or, err, for stickin Wall Street Investment bankers, certain Boston energy investment CEOs?

    And who painted this shit? Norman Fucking Rockwell?

    rant off.

  19. Doom, I have a fork similar to yours. Its sometimes called a manure fork. Typically they have heavier gauge tines and 4 or 5 (or more) of them.

    Its used for picking up loose litter, leaves, manure, etc. as in building a compost pile or for picking up loose bedding material on a barn floor.

    The one in the painting, by Grant Wood, is a true pitchfork, for pitching hay that is already clumped together or in piles, or for stickin’ wall street banker butt. I have one of these too. For these purposes 3 tines works well.

  20. yes, i didn’t mention it but jon and marsha happen to be sheep farmers. sheep are totally into fisting. the mention of darel was an intentional distraction.

  21. no, but seriously, sheep love fisting and monster cock. they don’t call ’em rams for nothing ya know.

  22. Ya, it’s a trophy pitch fork. Thought it might come in handy after I read The Long Emergency and started commenting on CFN about The Short Emergency.

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