34 Replies to “The Day is So Full of Lies (Tell Me All Your Secrets [Tell Me])”

  1. HIM: Are you thirsty? (for a cool fruit drink [that is, after we add it to my punchbowl of vodka?])

    HER: No, I’m just reflecting (wishing that I had remembered to bring my antibacterial hand sanitizer gel. [For the love of god, please don’t start moving that piece of popcorn toward my mouth — it’s much too soon for that level of intimacy.])

  2. Not to be picky, SB, but there’s something weird about that painting. It’s kind of in the style of the Pre-Raphaelites but with a modern-day popcorn container. And I don’t know what era his hat represents. Is that painting from MOBA?

  3. HIM: Wow! It must be our lucky day! Where do you suppose this strange container of lightly-salted, garlic-flavored popcorn came from? And, it’s still warm!

    HER: I don’t know, and it’s the first time I’ve noticed a lightly salted and garlic-flavored box of popcorn. And, the cardboard “bucket” is so smooth and shiny, not at all like the striped bags we normally get our popcorn in.

    HIM: It’s quite tasty! You don’t suppose….

    HER: Oh honey, I’m still quite concerned about resources depletion. Let’s continue our discussion of “peak oil” and its potential effects upon the global economies of the future. You don’t suppose someone with overhear us, do you?

    MUSIC: Fender electric guitar rift: da da de da da da de da da….

  4. EE, you are right, the popcorn is photoshopped into the painting, which I believe is otherwise uinaltered. Next you will ask who the painter is, and I don’t know. I recall seeing it before, so probably a masterwork of someone we’ve heard of.

    Doom, it may not seem like it but everything I post here, either directly or indirectly, has to do with resource depletion, ponzi finance, tunes, war, and sex. I am always, almost, or within three degrees, of being on topic.

  5. Oh. And drawing parallels to the collapse of complex societies. Well, that may be more of a hobby. Nevermind.

  6. Bif, I don’t know what is worrisome to that lady in the artistic painting, but I’d be willing to wager a large sum that it has nothing to do with resources depletion.

    Meanwhile, I hope you are enjoying my wry sense of humor. Goes well with eastern Canadian rye whisky!

  7. Bif, You really suck. Or, you’re awesome. Or both. This painting perfectly decribes my life right now.

    I’m completely in love with this woman. We walk by rivers every day and go to museums – and lie to each other. Not literally. The museums and walks by rivers part is true. We just lie about our feelings.

    I’m so in love. And I know she is. I just can’t be truthful. I’m an American. I have everything to hide. She’s afraid of me. She knows I’m an American. She has everything to hide.

    I hate you, God!!!!!!

    If God is Bif, than I love you God. The painting captured exactly what I was feeling.

  8. Thanks. They are all you (except Fog, that’s just my vacation).

    (Oh and the guy with the cross, that was just funny to me. random)

    sincerely,

    God

  9. Bif, or Jesus, or whoever you are, welcome back from the fog. You seem rejuvenated.

    dave and Bif, thanks for your thoughts. I give everything that both of you say serious consideration as well as the usual strict scrutiny.

    JR, I’ve never seen you happier. I need to write to you. And I need to finish something else that I’m writing.

    Doom and AU have the most consistent overall temperaments around here… with Bif/Jesus giving them a good run for their money of course. The rest of us are the elements of chaos. I think that’s the name of a band, but no relation.

  10. Holmes?

    Like… “the” Holmes?

    I don’t think any of us has ever seen you, happy or not. But you do seem pretty happy.

    Welcome back. Or welcome. I forget.

    The something isn’t chicken, it’s yellow. Or not yellow, it’s ckicken. I forget. It was Dylan. I even forget the name of the album. 1964 is my guess. or 1963.

    We should all do a “best things about the 40th anniversary of 1969” soon.

    Anybody can start off…OK. I will.

    Charlie Manson. Awesome.

  11. Bif, please, gimme a link. I have to show this to her tomorrow.

    If I can’t reference it I will have to re-title it, “Baby, I wanna fondle your Red Rubber Band by the ancient sluice-gates which we are standing on because there is no more work because the swamps are drying up and soon those trees will wilt and dry and catch fire – and you will be raped by the mexicans who currently trim the underbrush and will be smoking crack when the economy turns bad…” – Kinda blues. I’m just saying.

    Hey, if anybody is in the basic Boston area around labor day and wants to meet me (and has my email address) let me know. I do something down the Cape. And you are welcome.

    This year is gonna be kinda special. For years my family has retained connections with the Kennedy family across the bay, so me and my friends from MIT want to test a certain theory with a dead senator. (The opportunity rarely presents itself).

  12. fucking cape cod; the worst place on earth. the last time i was there, maybe 1974. i asked for some ketchup to go with my clams and fries, and the shitbag at the clam shack wanted a nickel each for those little squeezee packets. of course i reached through the window, grabbed a handfull from the basket and took off, fast as the wind i was.

    even back then the traffic jams were legendary.

    the water is so cold it makes your nuts hurt in 30 seconds.

    cape cod, the worst place on earth.

  13. dave, i hear you on the forzen nuts. in good old southern california, even on the hottest beach days of the year, the water is so friggin cold (Gulf of Alaska current) that your feet turn blue even if you’re wise enough to wear a rubber wet suit for the rest. it really kinda sucks–ice water offshore, sand so hot it will blister your feet onshore. if it wasn’t for the scantily clad women, there would be little point being there.

    yet another reason i moved to Hawaii. hey, thanks for the invite, JR!

    oops, i forgot uva and uvb, but fortunately, skin cancer takes a long time to develop.

  14. Just as soon as I can steal the appropriate materials, I will commence my study of Arabic.

    (Many thanks for the link, UR [via Doom].)

  15. No, she’s thinking, “Shit, I’m bored .. was it really worth getting out today?”

    JR, glad to hear the good news .. you needed some happy if I may say so.

  16. “JR, glad to hear the good news .. you needed some happy if I may say so.”

    Yeah, well, thanx for jinxing it. It’s all bad today. Except for the $10-2-litre bottle of chardonnay to make it all go away.

    Fisichella took pole. WTF!?

  17. So this one is real, Bif?

    Or I gotta go look on riverlovedotgoldgoin.com to find out?

    Cuz I’ve pretty much based my entire existence on the possibility that this scene might happen.

    If the possibility doesn’t exist, then it is gonna get ugly. I’ll never see it. I’ll check out.

  18. For JR.
    For the picture.
    For everyone.
    Really.
    My favorite poem.

    Wild Geese

    You do not have to be good.
    You do not have to walk on your knees
    for a hundred miles through the desert repenting.
    You only have to let the soft animal of your body
    love what it loves.
    Tell me about despair, yours, and I will tell you mine.
    Meanwhile the world goes on.
    Meanwhile the sun and the clear pebbles of the rain
    are moving across the landscapes,
    over the prairies and the deep trees,
    the mountains and the rivers.
    Meanwhile the wild geese, high in the clean blue air,
    are heading home again.
    Whoever you are, no matter how lonely,
    the world offers itself to your imagination,
    calls to you like the wild geese, harsh and exciting
    over and over announcing your place
    in the family of things.

    from Dream Work by Mary Oliver
    published by Atlantic Monthly Press
    © Mary Oliver

  19. JR,

    You only have to let the soft animal of your body love what it loves.

    That really is all you have to do.

  20. JR, no matter what you wish, it’s not within my powers to jinx you even if I wanted to, and I don’t. I haven’t been within 50 miles of Boston for weeks now anyway.

    Seriously, hope things work out for you & K :)

  21. JR, YOU NEED ONLY BE. (and to read your incoming email once in awhile.)

    80% OF LIFE IS JUST SHOWING UP (Woody Allen, who probably kypted it from someone else.)

  22. Yeah, yeah. I’ll be more available now. The little wifey just went off to “Florida” for “two weeks” to “visit her sister.”

    Turns out she’s stopping off in the Bahamas for the first two days. No return ticket.

    Where the money comes from, I have no idea. Like I might have mentioned before. Moldovan. The worst shithole on earth. Like I told my sister last week when she asked if Moldova was worse than Estonia. I told her Moldava to Estonia is like Somalia to Kenya (what the fuck is wrong with you people- don’t you read the newspaper?)

    I bought dinner tonight. I insisted. I think I might be in love. I need to get over that. We had a very pleasant long walk. This is what we do. We go on long walks and I’m in heaven (I don’t imagine I’m in heaven, I’m actually in heaven). That and go to museums and talk on the phone. American women are not like this. I think she might be a vampire or KGB. I’m in love with one of my sisters (not in a sexual way), but I’ve told this particular sister that I have this issue and her response was that is was similar on her end.

    I’m in love with 60% of my family. But in my sister’s case, I mean more like 92%. This Russian girl/woman/vampire/breaker of hearts/Moldovan spy/vacuum of money, time, and emotion – she gets 96%.

    So after she tries to fuck me for green-card and the next cunt rolls along I might have to revise that.

    Such is life.

    I want to fuck the shit out of her, but if this is right, Then I can wait. If it is wrong, I don’t wanna get ambushed.

    Trust me. I’ve cut down on my drinking because I need eyes in the back of my head and serious outrunners with flanking action available. And I gotta do that all myself.

    She is going to the Bahamas so she can “try to get a certain stamp on her passport” when she flies back into Florida. She actually told me this. She must trust me.

    If not she will have to go back to Canada.

    I don’t know what the truth is. I have no reason not to believe her. I work with a world renouned surgeon who is Canadian and whom I’m close friends with. She’s Canadian and pulls these scams constantly just to retain her license in Massachusetts.

    Makes you wonder about the people making the rules, protecting us and managing “things.”

    They failed on 9/11. But manage to keep surgeons out.

    But they get elected based on their “skillz.”

    I’m gonna lose it real soon.

    I’m still in the discovery phase of my life. This little sweety-monkey isn’t gonna change anything, and I ain’t gonna fall for none of this green-card bullshit. I won’t be played.

    If things turn out alright. If she turns out alright. I’ll go to Burma to haul her ass back here. As a friend. Not as some mail-order bride.

    Pornography and my hand are just fine. I would like somebody I can spend the rest of my life taking to. And who likes to walk. Cuz we’re gonna be doing a lot of that.

  23. What is it with you and Kunstler and walking all over? I mean, it’s practically unamerican, especially in these modern, post-industrial, financially “too big too fail” times.

    My advice: give it up with the Eurotrash and Russkie women. Women are difficult enough to handle without the cultural baggage, are you getting my drift, son? Do I need to be moron blunt, and spell it out for yas in front of your many on-line friends?

    Even a nice SE Asian girl, nevermind, you’d better leave them for the pros like dave.

    JR, me love you big time, me so horny (BTW, can you help me with my little green card problem?).

  24. First of All, I am not an American.

    The laws as I read them say I am not eligible for the Presidency, because I was born outside of the US. Even though my mother and my father and all 4 of my grandparents were born here.

    I am a Vampire.

    I turned Vampire the day I realized my grandfather and his brother flew the most dangerous missions in B-17s this country ever had to offer. I never met his brother. I know this country killed him.

    I like foreign women cuz they are sexier. They speak better English. They are not fat. They fuck better. They suck dick better. They love better. They don’t watch TV. At least not American TV. But most of all – Because they weren’t raised by Americans.

    If I ever have daughters – I will never raise them American style. They will be God help me if I ever have a daughter – geez, I might have to pay attention.

    ACTUALLY PAY ATTENTION TO HER!!!!

    I saw how my three sisters were raised. They are the best of the bunch. I think my parents did the best job I’ve seen. You should see my three sisters. They are like Olympic Champs.

    But that is not our society.

    You think the Bushes twins and the Obama girls will succeed because of their parents?

    Are you that stupid?

    My parents were genius.

    The only reason the Bush gurls and the Obama gurls will NOT turn out to be crack whores is because their fathers were president. Nothing Else.

    The Ugly thing is that Michelle has to pretend for four years that she has any control while she whores herself for Vanity Fair because she can’t resist losing that place in history.

    Get your dress on gurl. Prove me wrong.

  25. D3PO you are so right about the Eastern European girls. I met a couple of Bulgarian ladies a couple months ago in club in Saratoga. They were there for a work/study program ostensibly. They were so impressed that I remembered the name of the star of the Bulgarian World Cup team that made it to the semifinals some time ago. Hristo Stoichkov. They could have rolled me and taken my last nickel and I would have not complained.

  26. JR, you mean, your Presidential bid with Sarah in 2012 was all a hoax? You can’t really be President because of an Obama-esk technicality of birth place? Bummer.

    Well, as usual, I speak/write from bitter experience, so you should listen to GB and moi. Women are like already from a different culture than most men, so when you date foreign women, it’s like [culture]^2. It’s that exponent than will get you in trouble, maybe not now, but soon, and for the rest of your life.

    Nobody said they weren’t fun to fool with, it’s just that getting married is a lot moron than that. OK, I’ll shut up now.

  27. On the other hand, “you only have to let the soft animal of your body love what it loves.”

    I think this is true also. ..within limits…so maybe this is the real thing. What do I know? I’m a bachelor.

  28. Yeah, GB! I’m a bachelorette… confirmed. I just don’t have the energy to deal with anyone but myself any longer.

  29. Despite his protests, JR is perfectly safe from American women. Heck, he’ll barely speak to any of us (except relatives) and he refuses to meet anyway.

    Poor JR :)

    Err, is mail-order-brides.ru still up?

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