Dam Beavers!

Before we isolate and contain 2010 (and deep archive as many recorded and other data representations thereof as we can find [for future living monkey generations to scratch their heads in wonder about]), there is this brief matter of long-neglected housekeeping that I shall now attend to.

EE was kind enough to provide me with these pictures (and other content which, as a matter of editorial discretion, will not be a part of this post). 

Allegedly, there has been a dam violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Pennsylvania Compiled Laws, annotated. 

In furtherance of our standing policy of randomly pursuing hopeless yet generally stylish causes in a belated manner, the ZK Legal Team shall be dispatched forthwith.

Happy New Year one and all. 

70 Replies to “Dam Beavers!”

  1. Guffaw, snigger, snort… good one, Bif.

    I’m guessing her man asked her to shave the beaver’s balls. (He he… she doesn’t even know which end of the beaver to shave!)

  2. If you have a pet beaver, expect all kinds of practical jokes and puns. It comes with the territory, so to speak.

  3. so anyway, other than the fact that beavers regularly move in and destroy perfectly good lagomorph habitat, without permits and documentation no less, is there some point that we’re supposed to take away from these pictures?

  4. Yes, the beavers are living too free and easy… cutting trees and brush. building dams, and doing whatever they please. We have a crisis here. The national debt ceiling has to be raised yet again, the government is flirting with default, and these guys live tax-free? Either they get off the wagon and push or just get the hell off the wagon.

  5. Thanks, Bunn! GB at least seems to get it…

    I must admit that, the lack of context on the post does make its rationale a bit murky. As you may recall, I originally sent you this over two years ago, so even in context, MY original rationale for posting is a little fuzzy, even to me.

    At any rate, here’s the context:
    This is an actual letter sent to a man named Ryan DeVries regarding a pond on his property. It was sent by the Pennsylvania Department of Environmental Quality, State of Pennsylvania.

    State of Pennsylvania ‘s letter to Mr. DeVries:

    File No.97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20; Lycoming County

    Dear Mr. DeVries:

    It has come to the attention of the Department of Environmental Quality that there has been recent unauthorized activity on the above referenced parcel of property.

    You have been certified as the legal landowner and/or contractor who did the following unauthorized activity:

    Construction and maintenance of two wood debris dams across the outlet stream of Spring Pond.

    A permit must be issued prior to the start of this type of activity. A review of the Department’s files shows that no permits have been issued. Therefore, the Department has determined that this activity is in violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Pennsylvania Compiled Laws, annotated.

    The Department has been informed that one or both of the dams partially failed during a recent rain event, causing debris and flooding at downstream locations. We find that dams of this nature are inherently hazardous and cannot be permitted. The Department therefore orders you to cease and desist all activities at this location, and to restore the stream to a free-flow condition by removing all wood and brush forming the dams from the stream channel. All restoration work shall be completed no later than January 31, 2007.

    Please notify this office when the restoration has been completed so that a follow-up site inspection may be scheduled by our staff. Failure to comply with this request or any further unauthorized activity on the site may result in this case being referred for elevated enforcement action.

    We anticipate and would appreciate your full cooperation in this matter. Please feel free to contact me at this office if you have any questions.

    David L. Price
    District Representative
    Water Management Division.
    Here is the actual response sent back by Mr. DeVries:

    Re: DEQ File
    No. 97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20; Lycoming County

    Dear Mr. Price,

    Your certified letter dated 12/17/06 has been handed to me to respond to. I am the legal landowner but not the Contractor at 2088 Dagget Lane, Trout Run,Pennsylvania.
    A couple of beavers are in the (State unauthorized) process of constructing and maintaining two wood ‘debris’ dams across the outlet stream of my Spring Pond. While I did not pay for, authorize, nor supervise their dam project, I think they would be highly offended that you call their skillful use of nature’s building materials ‘debris.’

    I would like to challenge your department to attempt to emulate their dam project any time and/or any place you choose. I believe I can safely state there is no way you could ever match their dam skills, their dam resourcefulness, their dam ingenuity, their dam persistence, their dam determination and/or their dam work ethic.

    These are the beavers/contractors you are seeking. As to your request, I do not think the beavers are aware that they must first fill out a dam permit prior to the start of this type of dam activity.

    My first dam question to you is:
    (1) Are you trying to discriminate against my Spring Pond Beavers, or
    (2) Do you require all beavers throughout this State to conform to said dam request?

    If you are not discriminating against these particular beavers, through the Freedom of Information Act, I request completed copies of all those other applicable beaver dam permits that have been issued.

    (Perhaps we will see if there really is a dam violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Pennsylvania Compiled Laws, annotated.)

    I have several dam concerns. My first dam concern is, aren’t the beavers entitled to legal representation? The Spring Pond Beavers are financially destitute and are unable to pay for said representation — so the State will have to provide them with a dam lawyer.

    The Department’s dam concern that either one or both of the dams failed during a recent rain event, causing flooding, is proof that this is a natural occurrence, which the Department is required to protect. In other words, we should leave the Spring Pond Beavers alone rather than harassing them and calling them dam names.

    If you want the dammed stream ‘restored’ to a dam free-flow condition please contact the beavers — but if you are going to arrest them, they obviously did not pay any attention to your dam letter, they being unable to read English.

    In my humble opinion, the Spring Pond Beavers have a right to build their unauthorized dams as long as the sky is blue, the grass is green and water flows downstream. They have more dam rights than I do to live and enjoy Spring Pond. If the Department of Natural Resources and Environmental Protection lives up to its name, it should protect the natural resources (Beavers) and the environment (Beavers’ Dams).

    So, as far as the beavers and I are concerned, this dam case can be referred for more elevated enforcement action right now. Why wait until 1/31/2007? The Spring Pond Beavers may be under the dam ice by then and there will be no way for you or your dam staff to contact/harass them.

    In conclusion, I would like to bring to your attention to a real environmental quality, health, problem in the area. It is the bears! Bears are actually defecating in our woods. I definitely believe you should be persecuting the defecating bears and leave the beavers alone. If you are going to investigate the beaver dam, watch your dam step! The bears are not careful where they dump!

    Being unable to comply with your dam request, and being unable to contact you on your dam answering machine, I am sending this response to your dam office.



  6. dave wrote: “… is there some point that we’re supposed to take away from these pictures?”

    Only that: The seasons don’t fear the beaver, nor do the winds, nor do the rain… we can be like they are… (or not)…

  7. EE, within the context of that lengthy screed (recently revisited by yours truly), I purposefully (out of mercy for present day readers) decided to delete the entire narrative except for a reference to the statutory citation. I struggled for a long time, trying to figure out what to do with this, then decided to do nothing for an indefinite period of time, perhaps hoping for the ineffible (which I guess is sort of a pointless thing to do, if you’re also intending to make it part of the story rather than just an excuse for dropping the ball). Like I said, editorial discretion.

  8. “which I guess is sort of a pointless thing to do, if you’re also intending to make it part of the story rather than just an excuse for dropping the ball…”


    You are a god–no explanations are necessary. And dave is usually bitching about my long, and/or non-contextual posts and it’s good to see that he’s an equal opportunity bitcher.

    Speaking of non-contextual, what does everyone think about this oddball murder? Random or deliberate?


  9. And dave is usually bitching about my long, and/or non-contextual posts and it’s good to see that he’s an equal opportunity bitcher.

    asking a question, seeking clarity of mind, is bitching? you live in a strange world ee.

    Random or deliberate?

    all acts are random. however, within some, arbitrary, at least from a universal perspective, which is of course kinda silly, i guess, set of limits, various probablities can be assigned to thier occurance. so anyhoo, the question might be: what particular set of random occurances lead to his murder on that particular night?

  10. i sure don’t know. all i know is that i’m glad that elizabeth edwards died, randomly, of cancer sometime in 2010. the exact date just isn’t important, at least not to me.

  11. why is it that the MSM think that for science to be appreciated, at least for kids, it has to be some kind of clownish magic show?

    why is the MSM news now portrayed as a clownish magic show? whatever happened to journalism?

    not that i care that much about these apparently random events.

  12. this weekend i made a rather important scientific discovery*. since there are so many scientists still practicing science these daz, i am now checking to see if anyone else has put it together before me. this search could take several days to weeks to verify.

    then the other day, in the lab, someone said i’d made another important scientific discovery, and i said no, that was not possible, as one is only allowed one important scientific discovery per week, and i already made my quota.

    *the important ones are usually well known (hiding in plain sight) but are only obvious to those prepared to see them. moron details to follow, whether i’m first or not.

  13. Doom wrote: “why is it that the MSM think that for science to be appreciated, at least for kids, it has to be some kind of clownish magic show?”

    Probably for the same reason that the websites of various chemistry and physics journals/publications seem disproportionately concerned with facilitating social networking and/or presenting themselves as engines of philanthropy, rather than getting straight into the reporting and discussion of things directly pertaining to science.

  14. I have to ask you this, GB, how does a beaver “get the hell off the wagon”?

    Might it involve skinning oneself and politely enduring the spectacle of being doused in blood or blood-like substances whilst attempting to surrender your pelt?

  15. UR, your son probably has a good and maybe even compelling or nonnegotiable reason for apparently disregarding your advice (to leave L.A.) One way or another, this wonderous place could remain livable (at least for Coastal Elites) longer than either of us might prefer to imagine.

  16. Random or deliberate?

    EE, I can unequivocally say that this was a random premeditated act, a retribution addressing (with peculiar clues and old school/crude theatricality) a dispute over one or more of the group comprising: love, money, and national security.

  17. BB, Something compelling I have no doubt. Advice, not really sure I call it advice; more like suggestive questioning concerning his awareness of the deterioration situation on the ground. [shrug] I biased against large population areas in general.

    I’ll give him credit though, he’s got the chops for the street.

  18. been checking, and so far i’m good to go with the discovery. hiding in plain sight, mind you.

    Bif, i like the T-shirt idea. 50% terms.

  19. been checking, and so far i’m good to go with the discovery. hiding in plain sight, mind you.

    well, i’m curious.

  20. I’ve made a discovery of my own. The checkout girl at the local meat market. Hiding in plain sight, too.

  21. GB, i’m already moron envious of your discovery.

    dave, sorry, it’s fragile. i could send you some email. it has to do with some stuff i’m working on with paleo-sea level. i can’t believe i’m the only one to see it, but apparently so. some others have actually misinterpreted it in published work, so that’s my edge for writing a short paper describing the obvious. they will be pissed that they missed it.

  22. yeah doom, i hate to say it, but gb’s discovery sounds a lot more interesting than your’s.

    anyhoo, it’s snowing like crazy here, and i just finished off a science experiment of my own. i freeze distilled some hard cider. now i have some moonshine to drink while it snows outside. so that’s pretty good.

  23. damn, you guys are better scientists than i, and i have three college degrees and over 30 years professional experience, actually over 4o years if you include grad school.

    i would be honored to go ice fishing with you guys.

  24. dave, I think we should go over some of the “reasons why people go ice fishing” for those who might not know:

    1) the winter is long, you have to go out and do something or you get cabin fever. 1A) related: you need a break from someone in your cabin.

    2) after a hard day of sitting on a bucket, staring down a hole in the ice while being buffeted by the wind and having your toes frozen, it feels so wonderful to quit and go home.

    3) sometimes you catch fish…when you do, you can drop your catch on the ice and it freezes…there’s no chance of spoilage. also there’s no flies or mosquitoes, and its very hard to snag your lure to a tree branch.

    4) the solitude is good for your soul. Antisocial thoughts are allowed.

  25. Or maybe that wankin’, fookin’ Bif can add to the list, but I doubt it. Too busy wankin’ and fookin’.

  26. If I had a choice between a shot of freeze distilled hard cider and a beaver, right now, I don’t know which one I’d take.

  27. yeah, i keep meaning to get myself some tiny little fishing poles, some tip-ups and a jar full of grubs, but i never seem to get around to it.

    beaver or moonshine? yeah, tough choice. but why they’d be mutally exclusive, i just don’t know. anyhoo, if i had to choose, i guess i’d go with beaver, just so long as it’s owner kept it well trimed and didn’t want to talk about it too much.

  28. GB. Ditto on your points, though I am a novice ice fisherman. Went ice fishing once during holiday break. It was cold but sunny and no wind, really nice. Did OK with perch but also got a couple trout. Unfortunately probably the only time I’ll go this year.

    Am headed out of the country for a couple months, given a work assignment in Africa. My first time there, I’m excited. Will stop by ZK upon return. Leave a light on.

  29. Bif, take your laptop, Iridium satellite receiver, AC-DC inverter and buy a battery and charger when you get there. That way we can continue to keep in touch.

    Please tell us moron about your adventurous job there.

  30. dave, those be Marilyn and Gretta, two former UH graduate students, and damn fine field geologists, BTW. Gretta’s also a great cook.

  31. yeah, i wish that i could fuck the bejesus outta marylin and gretta. you an’ biff are lucky guys.

    anyways, looks like i’m gonna get socked in with another blizzard here, no problem as long as the moonshine holds out.

  32. Thanks, sorry for being vague about geography, this is for the moment neccessary.

    Yes there will be satellite comm connectivity as I must have 24/7 access to my lawyer of course.

    Leaving tomorrow. See ya!

  33. Bif, I told my graduate seminar class that you were going to Morocco to help secure America’s future phosphate resource supply as part of a CIA-sponsored ‘avant guard’ operation. I just hope I didn’t get anything wrong.

  34. Doom, yeah I wish. I’m destined for mud, not sand. Right now I’m delayed. It doesn’t matter. Will catch up with ya at some point. Over and out.

  35. Actually, dave, you got the brunt of the snowstorm, once again. We have maybe 14″ on the ground around here.

  36. ya, i wish you guys would keep this snow and cold up there where it belongs. they’re calling for highs in the 20’s and single digit lows for at least the next week or so down here, don’t seem right.

  37. Correction: it’s BWI, Baltimore-Washington International. guess they have big plans.

    Greetings from frozen Baltimore. saw lots of candidate frozen lakes and rivers flying in.

    learned today that United has acquired Continental. that’s what businesses do when they shrink, they consolidate, just like the oil companies did.

  38. dave, thanks for the offer. they are keeping me busy down here, so i don’t know. btw, connecticut made the local news, so much snow. maybe they showed you house on tv?

  39. Well, sh*t, Doom! If I’d checked in earlier, I could have met you at BWI (known colloquially as Thurgood Marshall Airport) with the east coast version of a lei.

    I leave early tomorrow in the a.m. for the frozen tundra of Northern NY. Headed up to a few days for a memorial service very dear friend of mine (we’ve known each other 30+ years), who died suddenly this past Saturday.

    Time flies.

  40. EE, many thanks. I appreciate your and dave’s kind offers of hospitality. They kept me busy reviewing and ranking proposals until late yesterday. Today was light so we could sleep in some and “chill” this afternoon. Went to the National Aquarium, which is just down the street from the hotel. It was a sunny 30 F out but with the breeze it felt like 20 something.

    Really, how can you stand this Ice Age bullshit weather? Going to San Francisco is like stepping into the refrigerator (most anytime of year); Baltimore in January is like stepping into the freezer compartment. I’ve seen street panhandlers, a few hardy ones, and had a couple of them approach me/us. Their clothes were not as nice but they were better dressed for this weather than moi. Bought some leather dress gloves and a nice wool scarf is next.

    Forget about global warming, this planet still has two icy poles and an attitude problem. I say we know shit about how this planet’s climate works. My advice is sell your real estate now, get what you can for it, and move to Costa Rica. Dale of CFN is a moron but we would all be much better off as his new neighbors down there, and besides he could entertain us with his wit and wisdom about how nothing ever changes until, of course, it does.

  41. dave, those look like carbon fiber cellos. Back in the 90’s I had a client that made carbon fiber instruments (and carbon fiber helicopter seat shells for DoD). Apparently, one of the more difficult issues they faced with the instruments was sizing and then cutting the f-hole, the latter they attempted to solve using a computer controlled extremely high pressure stream of water.

    Neat stuff to watch.

  42. No word from Bif and its been about ten days. I’m starting to think the crocs, hippos or the pygmies with their poison blow darts got him.

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